My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
