Ambien. No doubt about it.
the condom got lost in my hair
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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