So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
birth control should be required to get into college
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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