we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
