I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
