hotel room ftw
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
