Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
