Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
