I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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