was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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