How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
