when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Actions speak louder than pants.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
