i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
