I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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