I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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