I faked an abortion last night.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
