The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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