I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
