The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
