based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
