cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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