Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
