i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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