I must be too annoying 4 u.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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