you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
