and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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