im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
