Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
