I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
