HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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