You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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