How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
