He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
