Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
