never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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