i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
