My friends, they love my intelligence
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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