My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
