my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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