Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
