I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
