I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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