I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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