I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
