i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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