Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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