My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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