party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
