guys are not supposed to queef...right?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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