You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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