He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Pooping to opera.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
