I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
