Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
