sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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