At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize