Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
