I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
