Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
