You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
